Attn Facebook Parents: Slow Your Roll

So I admit, it’s hard for me to get all high and mighty on this subject because I am probably a perpetrator of the exact annoying activity that I am about to call out, but I am going to get all high and mighty anyway because this is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want.  Parents, for the sake of your Facebook friends and family, and the people you barely knew in high school but who inexplicably friended you anyway, and the people who you don’t know but friended you because they thought you were cute, but then realized that you were married/crazy/not as attractive as you look in your profile pic, for the sake of all these people… slow your roll on the kiddie pics.  We all know that your kids are adorable, cute, funny and better than everyone else’s, but we don’t need to see 8000 pictures of your child. Per week. Quite frankly, most of us stopped looking after commenting on your Facebook announcement of “It’s a boy!”  (What, no cigars?)

So, to make this easy on everyone (including myself) let’s break down acceptable Facebook posting habits for parents:

1)  Number of photos – Photos should be restricted to holidays, special events, extra cute moments and possibly vacation photos (as long as there are other photos included of said vacation, like the ones of you taking a body shot off a Mexican stripper while in Playa Del Carmen – while baby is napping of course.)  Photos should be limited to no more than 50 baby photos per year, and if you come even close to this limit, you give up the right to get angry when people stop looking.

2)  Graphic “fresh from the womb” baby photos –  Not allowed.  Ever.  Although you are probably doing the world a favor by drastically lowering the world’s population by scaring possible future parents into NOT having their unborn children, it’s still not acceptable to post a photo of your blue, screaming baby covered in blood and other unmentionable goo on your Facebook page.  (As I believe that I am guilty of this heinous crime, I wholeheartedly apologize to all the people I have scarred for life.)

3)  Baby’s photo as your profile picture – Only acceptable if YOU are IN the photo as well.  Otherwise it’s just confusing.  Plus, it’s harder for people to stock you on Facebook if they can’t tell whose profile it is.  Just stop it.

4)  Status updates –  These should be limited to very cute or very funny things your child said, did or projected from his or her body, and should be capped at no more than 1/wk.

5)  Diaper shots –   Nope.

6)  Funny photos of your baby doing inappropriate things –  As funny as it is to see your baby with a beer in her mouth, cigarette in his hand, or wearing a witty onesie that reads, “Future pole dancer” (true story), this activity should be limited to one time.  Ever.  Otherwise you are a bad parent.  And even if you are not… everyone thinks you are.

Alright, alright so I’ll get off my soap box. For now. If you are a perpetrator of these crimes, don’t feel bad, most parents are.  But let’s make a pact to stop the madness.  Now.

What Facebook posting crimes would you like to see come to an end?

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10 thoughts on “Attn Facebook Parents: Slow Your Roll

  1. Alecia Wellen says:

    Thank God someone has pinpointed why we haven’t a had a kid yet!

    You’re scaring (and scarring) us people!!!

    Hahaha!

    xx

  2. jaymers says:

    I don’t think I’ve committed any of your offenses. Okay, maybe just a few. But I personally hate the potty-training updates. “Sofie just went poo-poo on the potty for the first time… at 18 months” “Jack woke up and went straight for the toilet, it appears he’s been potty trained overnight.” You know, that kind of thing. Maybe I’m just jealous, but I just want to stop the insanity. No need for the play-by-play.

    • Totally agree. I also think that many parents have amnesia when it comes to their children. They forget that before he was “potty trained overnight” they read books about potty training, sang songs, offered bribes and pulled nearly all their hair out in frustration.

  3. The status updates drive me crazy. “Look Lucy just ate a strawberry”. “Lucy made Poop on the Potty”. “Lucy is going to get lucky tonight” (gottcha, you thought Lucy was the kid right?) Also, I can’t stand it when moms brag about their hubbys, we get it, you married freakin prince charming and we are stuck with our toads, enough already!! Love this post, you speak the truth. And yes, I suppose I am guilty of a few but you will not see me typing that on my facebook status any time soon.

  4. Maya Fitz says:

    Haha – #3 is great. So true about the stalking part… lol I probably broke most of your rules at one point or another, and that is why I now blog. I’ve stopped uploading pics, updating my status, etc… so I’m on the right path now 🙂

    • I have broken many of the rules too. As a parent, I think it’s hard not to. But our friends will thank us… especially the single ones!

      • Anonymous says:

        What does being single have to do with it? Do you think we are better than them because we are married and have children? You sound very entitled and condescending. Nobody wants to see a million pictures – single, married, engaged, mothers, childfree, what-have-you.

      • Being single has nothing to do with it. “Nobody wants to see a million pictures” is exactly the point I was making. And I don’t think I am better than anybody, but most likely I am entitled and condescending. I’ve been called worse. Either way, sorry if I offended you somehow.

  5. Ouch – so the 600+ pics I put up from Disney World were probably not acceptable! 🙂

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