Monthly Archives: June 2012

All About the Journey, my ass.

A sick husband, a hivey (and thus unsleeping baby), a last-minute job, a non-functioning internet connection, a wild goose chase to fix said non-functioning internet connection, not to mention shopping, laundering, researching, packing, stressing and grooming for a two-week trip with my husband and daughter.  After the week I have had… I need a vacation.  The good news: I have an amazing vacation planned to Italy and Norway.  The bad news: first I have to get there.  On a 15 hour flight, not counting layovers.  With a highly energetic 14-month-old.  Whoever said that it’s “all about the journey” is full of poop. When it comes to traveling with kids, it’s absolutely all about the destination.

Actually I know who said, “It’s all about the journey.”  My husband, last night.  I laughed so hard that I almost shot wine out of my nose.  Of course, he hasn’t spent the last week packing, planning, shopping, researching and stressing about our trip the way that I have. He just throws his stuff in a bag the night before we leave.  It’s not his fault.  I am the one who stresses about such things.  And I would never dream of letting him help shop or pack for our daughter.  This is a degree of control that I cannot relinquish.  It might be stressful, but there is something slightly calming about knowing without any shadow of a doubt that you have 3 changes of clothes, 20 diapers, 30 lbs. of snacks, and 50 lbs. of toys for a single flight.

The prep is done.  Now all that stands in my way is the journey itself.  But I know that if things get hairy, I can just think about the destination… pasta in my belly, wine in my bloodstream, and a smile on my lips as I watch my daughter play with her cousins.  And if that doesn’t work there’s always Xanax.


ps.  I will be enjoying my “vacation” for two weeks, and that means a vacation from blogging… you guys are exhausting.  But I am sure to return with loads of stories to regale you with soon.  Ciao!

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Technical Difficulties

Your favorite blog, The Good, The Bad, and The Saggy is experiencing technical difficulties.

Basically I am a freelancer who works from home, so I am my own IT department, and I am fucking fired.  So is AT&T.

Your usual well written, insightful and hysterically funny blog will be replaced with a lazy quote of the day.

“To err is human – And to blame it on a computer is even more so.”

– Robert Orben

Stay tuned for your usual programming.


Sent from my stupid Iphone in a stupid Starbucks

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Sleeping with the Enemy?

It was exactly 9:07 last Tuesday night when my husband uttered the phrase, “Now that Lyla sleeps so well, I kind of miss those middle-of-the-night wake-up calls.  Sometimes I wish she would wake up, so I could ‘rescue’ her.”  Two nights later, our little angel granted his wish by waking up at 9:30 and refusing to go back to bed until 2 am.  Because my husband had so longed for those sweet sleepless nights, I obliged him.  I let him spend the night singing, feeding, rocking, walking, cursing, praying and shushing, while I spent it sleeping – ahem – like a baby.  You’re welcome honey.  Sometimes my selflessness amazes even me.

However, I wasn’t laughing when it was my turn on Sunday night.  She woke up  at 10 and I couldn’t get her back down until 1.  I then spent the next hour or two tossing and turning, and snapping my head up to look at the monitor any time she made the slightest peep.  I finally drifted off to sleep (it was actually more like plunging into exhausted oblivion) around 2:30 AM, where I dreamt my standard anxiety dream of waiting tables and realizing that I forgot to place a bunch of tables’ orders, over and over again until 5.  It was then that I heard the siren call of my daughter.  I tried to resist the call and let her fall back asleep on her own, but alas I could not.  Instead I scooped her up and rescued her from whatever invisible assailant was tormenting her.

I sat down with her in the rocking chair to rub her back and caress her head.  After a few minutes, she curled up on my chest, tucking her arms under her, and began to snore lightly.  And despite the stiffness in my neck from trying not to move and the pool of sweat forming under my shirt from her hot little body, I didn’t miss sleep a bit.  I now had a few hours to sit and study her perfect little features, inhale her sweet baby smell (it still hasn’t gone away,  thank god) and think.

I make it a point to try not to judge parents.  I know just how hard it is to be a parent and to make all the decisions that the title requires.  I know that most parents are simply doing the best they can for their children and for themselves, and that every parent makes educated decisions based on what they think is right.  My husband and I made the decision not to bring our daughter into our bed with us.  That decision was based on some stories that friends have told us, some books that we have read, and mostly for the purely selfish reason that if my daughter was in my bed I would be too terrified to ever sleep.  If she is even in the room with me, I am constantly jolted awake by nightmares that I have fallen asleep with her in my arms and have rolled over and crushed her.  So, putting her in my bed is not really an option for me… not if I ever want to sleep again.

People feel quite strongly about the topic of sleeping with your children.  There are some, especially the Attachment Parenting proponents, who feel that co-sleeping creates security for the child.  Mostly though, I feel that co-sleeping is often villainized.  Many doctors warn that it increases the chances of SIDS, which is hard to argue with. That is probably the root of my intense fears.  However, my daughter is past the age where SIDS is a major concern, and still I never put her in my bed. It was the parenting decision that we made, and for us I think it is the right one.  But sitting in the chair with my daughter sleeping so close to me, I totally understood why some parents choose to have their kids sleep with them… or let themselves fall into that pattern.  I was struck by how close I felt to her – almost as though I was pregnant again, only now I could study her every feature in a way that she would never allow me to do while she is awake.  I was reminded of how short our time is with our children.  How quickly all of these moments will pass and then will soon be over.  If every moment is so precious, then sleeping with your child somehow feels like a way to steal a few extra moments.

Now, this is not a story about how I suddenly changed my mind and invited my daughter and all my future children into my bed with me.  I still stand behind the decision that my husband and I made.  I like my sleep.  I like my privacy. And I like my daughter to have her independence from us. All that I am saying is that I get it.  I understand the beauty of those stolen moments with your child while she is sleeping.  And while my daughter is going to stay in her own room, I just might join her every now and then.


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Random Thought: On Butterflies

I went to go see the Tallest Man on Earth yesterday. He’s not a circus side-show, but an incredible singer/songwriter.  Check him out!

He was saying how even after years of touring, yet still gets very nervous before a show… pacing around, drinking wine to calm his nerves (sounds familiar).  What struck me is that this incredibly talented, seasoned musician STILL gets so nervous before each and every show.  It got me thinking about the things that I do that make me nervous no matter how many times I do them… like sending an article or  script submission.  Or the nervously excited butterflies I get every time I click the Publish button on this blog.

I really think that if you are not doing something that scares you, or makes you excited, or gives you butterflies every now and then… then you aren’t really living.  So do it… whatever it is!  Unless it is murdering someone.  I can’t get behind that, no matter how many butterflies it gives you.

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Quote of the Day: On Getting the Last Laugh

If I never teach you anything else, please remember one thing…

“He who laughs last… thinks slowest.”

That’s enough for today.  Class is adjourned.

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It has now been a little over a week since my eye surgery, and though everything went perfectly, I am still plagued by headaches, eyeaches, and a vague general tiredness.  I also have to be very careful with my “new” eyes, so it has really limited what I can do.  I have been unable to work, exercise, write, or blog.  I have rarely checked my email, stocked browsed on Facebook, or kicked the usual ass on Words with Friends.  I have also not been allowed to wear make-up, wash my face or really even shower.  Also, because I haven’t been feeling so hot, I have had to turn down various social engagements.  For the past week I have really been able to do little more than take care of my daughter.  And you know what… it’s been fucking awesome.

All of the things that I listed above are things that I actually really enjoy doing.  But having an excuse to NOT do them for an entire week has been such a relief.  I feel more relaxed than I have felt in a really long time. It’s amazing how much time I have when I am not constantly racing off to exercise, work, shower, blog or catch up with friends on Facebook.  I have spent a lot of quality time with my daughter without having to check my phone or email.  I have gotten a lot of errands done that I have been putting off for a while now.  I have logged more than a few hours on my couch watching silly TV.  Yesterday I even… wait for it… sat down and ate lunch.  An entire lunch.  While sitting down.  Can you imagine?! It’s been a while.

This forced “vacation” has been great.  I am totally relaxed, completely at ease, and absolutely bored.  Now, I can’t wait to get to back to the rat race. I need the stress.  I crave the chaos! (Please remind me of this when I am bemoaning the stress and chaos of the future.  Actually, don’t remind me unless you like a good slap in the face. I have a tendency to lash out when I am stressed.)

I have discovered that I like my life as busy, messy and full as possible.   So watch out world… I am rested, determined, inspired, and I can see the shit out of you.

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Story Time

Ok kids, gather ’round because I’m gonna tell you a story.  Names and dates have been changed, but the facts are real.  Well, mostly real.

Once upon a time there was a little Princess.  The little Princess was happy in her ranch-style castle in Colorado, but she was cursed.  Some wicked witch… or possibly genetics… had cast a spell that made the little Princess unable to see very well.  So the little Princess was again cursed… this time with glasses.  She didn’t mind them too much at first, though the big thick glasses (with pink-tinted lenses because the misguided Princess thought it made her look like she was wearing eyeshadow) got in the way of her playing sports, and they were constantly sliding down her face.  She didn’t mind that a few kids made fun of her and called her “4-Eyes,” because it made her tough like a knight.  And she didn’t mind that she wasn’t really a beautiful princess because she thought that if she couldn’t be the fairest in the land, she would be the funniest.  She learned that laughter is the best self-defense, stronger than any sword.  She learned to make fun of herself before other people could.  And she began to learn one of the most valuable skills that any princess or knight could ever have… not to listen to what the court fools say about her.  But this, my children, this is a skill that takes a lifetime to perfect.

One day, the 4-eyed Princess got magical contacts, and her whole world changed.  She could do many of the things she wanted to do without worrying about her glasses, and many of the knights in the kingdom began to look at her in a new way.  But, this new power did come with a price.  Her eyes were often red and sore.  Sometimes she would lose her contacts and the King and Queen would lock in a tower to punish her. (I need a little drama here.) And she still couldn’t do some of the things she wanted to do, like swimming in the ocean, for fear of losing her contacts.  But despite all of this, the Princess was happy.  And eventually she met her Knight in Shining Armor, and they lived happily ever after.

Until… a few years later the Princess had a little princess of her own.  And amazingly, she was able to feed the princess from her own breast.  This was also an amazing power, but it, too, came with a price.  You see, this magical power can affect you in ways you never imagined, and it made the Princess’ eyes very dry.  This, along with little time for the Princess to rest her eyes, combined with wearing contacts for many, many years (more years than the Princess would like to admit) made her tired eyes begin to reject the magical contacts that had so changed her life.  And the Princess, once again, found herself cursed with glasses.  And though her Knight in Shining Armor assured her that he loved her glasses, the Princess did not love them.  They made it hard to all the things she loved to do, like exercise, play outside, and go to the beach;  and the little princess would constantly pull them from her face.  But the hardest part was that after so many years of having magical contacts, the Princess’ thick armor now had a few chinks in it.  Now she found it more difficult not to care what the fools might think of her. She no longer was a knight who paraded around confidently in her glasses.  She was now a peasant who slunk around, hoping that no one would notice her.  And the Princess didn’t like herself very much.

One day, the Princess went to see a magical Eye Wizard, in a very, very fancy castle in the greatest kingdom of all… Beverly Hills.  The Wizard told the Princess that his magic could make her see again.  But she would have to be very brave.  And pay most of the gold in her vault (almost more gold than she had paid for car).  The Princess was frightened… mostly of the dragons of her own making.  You see, she is very scared of doctors and hospitals, and has an almost paralyzing fear of needles.  She was no longer a knight, and even if she was, her humor tactic wouldn’t help her here.  (Trust me, the Princess tried, but apparently most Eye Wizards don’t have a sense of humor.)  Her Knight in Shining Armor helped her face her fears, even though she was scared (and also pretty sweaty) she went to Wizard’s castle and had him cast his spell on her.

When she awoke from her slumber, the Princess was very surprised and very, very happy to see that she could… well, SEE.  She no longer had to hold her alarm clock directly in front of her face to see what time it was.  She could look at her Knight, and see that he was smiling at her. (Although, when he is frowning the Princess might still pretend that she cannot see his  face.)  The Princess was finally FREE of her curse.  She was proud of herself that she had faced her dragons.  And though it was the Eye Wizard who had cast the spell, it was she (and her gold) who had the courage to break the curse.   Once again the Princess felt like the knight she once was.  Like she could do anything.  And she lived happily ever after…

especially when she finally met Sir Ryan Gosling, who fell immediately in love with the brave Princess and her new eyes.  Of course, she already had her Knight, so she let him down gently, but he swore he would never love another (especially that hideous witch Eva Mendes).

Hey, this is my fairy tale…


The Princess and her curse

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