I am thankful for those who drink as much as I.
I love me some Thanksgiving. What’s not to love? Family and friends all gathered together. Delicious food and the ability to eat as much of it as you want without feeling guilty because everyone knows that calories don’t count on holidays. Same thing goes for drinking. Everyone knows that alcoholism doesn’t count on holidays. Plus, how the hell can you cook without wine? Or survive an entire day with aforementioned family without wine (Except for mine, of course. Happy Turkey Day Mom! Thanks for giving me life!)
Unlike some other holidays lurking around this time of year, Thanksgiving is pretty stress-free (unless, of course, you are
dumb generous enough to host.) There’s no gifts to be painstakingly purchased. No gifts to be returned, only to panic when the giver of said gift comes to visit and wonders where are those lovely ceramic figurines with the creepy, giant eyes that follow you everywhere, even your nightmares. There is no planning of a night out awesome enough to close out a great year and make all your Facebook friends jealous. Nope, none of those annoying holiday stresses. Thanksgiving is all about eating and drinking with friends and family and giving thanks for it all. Oh yeah, and I think it is also about Pilgrims, Native Americans and a giant Pumpkin who terrorizes children. But don’t quote me on that.
However, as much as I love Thanksgiving and think it is important to give thanks, there is one thing about Thanksgiving that I dread: the moment when all the food sits before you on the table, and instead of allowing you to dig in, the well-intentioned hostess asks everyone to go around the table and say what they are thankful for. Seriously?! That is the right moment for that? How about starting the giving of Thanks during the five hours when everyone is eating dip and dry carrots and waiting for the damn turkey to be done? And why is it so hard to come up with something that I am thankful for at that moment? Perhaps it is because I am dizzy with hunger due to the fact that I starved myself all day to make up for the sick amount of calories I plan to consume. Or perhaps it is because I am drunk as I started drinking at 6 am without eating anything besides the cold, wet stuffing I snuck and ate with my fingers out of sheer desperation. Or perhaps it is simply the pressure of putting a whole year of thankfulness into a few words. Whatever the reason, when called upon, I usually break out in a cold sweat and blurt out something like: “Iamgratefulformyfamilyandfriendsbecauseilovethemsomuchohyeahandmyhealthandmyfamilyandmyfriendsdidialreadysaythat.”
So, this year I am going to do things differently. Firstly, I am going to make more of an effort to give thanks all year round. Secondly, in order to bypass the paralyzing moment of Thanksgiving pressure, I am going to take the time to lay out some things that I am thankful for right here and now.
THIS YEAR I AM THANKFUL FOR:
Everyone who has read this far in the post. For those of you who stopped reading after the first paragraph or who totally ignored this post: I hope you choke on a turkey bone or gain ten pounds, whichever is worse. Just kidding. But to those who read my blog: THANK YOU!!
My amazing, smart, hilarious, charming daughter. Sometimes I can’t believe how lucky I am.
My awesome family. I know you think your family is awesome, but my family kicks your family’s ass in my book. Sorry.
My wonderful friends who support me, challenge me and love me no matter what.
A husband who makes me feel smart and funny, and who still likes to grab my ass.
Having an ass that someone still thinks is worth grabbing.
Push-up bras and Spanx: Some people call it cheating. I call it branding.
Good red wine.
Cupcakes: The perfect cake to frosting ratio.
My daughter’s amazing, obnoxious, loud, boisterous laugh.
Wedge heels: Almost comfortable.
Movie theaters that let you pour your own butter on your popcorn. Yes!
Stretchy jeans: I refuse to call them jeggings.
The health of me, my family and my friends.
Baby Tylenol: Helped my daughter through a lot of crazy fevers this year.
Girls days with just my daughter and I, when I have no work, no chores and nothing to do but be with her.
And the one thing that I am most thankful for…
Laughter: Curer of everything that I am NOT thankful for.
So there you have it, My 2012 List of Thankfulness! Hostesses take note: this hereby exempts me from the torture of participating in this tradition this year, and possibly for all subsequent years. So back off and let me eat overcooked turkey, already! But just because I will not be participating myself, doesn’t mean that I won’t be watching this unfold. As much as I hate doing it myself, I love watching other people sweat at that inevitable moment when the person who goes before them takes the exact thing that they were going to say. I love that moment! In fact, you might even say that I am thankful for it.